


it's time to raise the curtain

by Skyebyrd



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Cute, M/M, Muppets (Muppets), this is so self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyebyrd/pseuds/Skyebyrd
Summary: Really, the only acceptable answer to the question "Jim Henson Productions is interested in having you guest star on Muppets and Sesame Street, you in?" is "Hell fucking yes."
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 12
Kudos: 71





	it's time to raise the curtain

**Author's Note:**

> I saw @rorschachisgay and @vulcains_ on twitter talking about Richie being on Muppets/Sesame Street and proceeded to lose my mind. 
> 
> Thanks to CJ @babylovestan for helping me out !!! ilu
> 
> This is set in a universe where all the Sesame Street characters exist only as I remember them, and also where Sesame Street and the Muppet Show are filmed at the same time. No I will not be taking questions at this time.

Richie is going to throw up all over this multi-million dollar puppet. He’s going to be banned from the Muppets for life. Jim Henson himself is going to rise from the grave just to drag him down to hell with him. Richie is going to have to live with being the man that fucking puked all over Kermit the fucking Frog. Some stage hand is probably going to leak the footage, he’ll go viral, and banned from the stage and screen for the rest of his life. Eddie will have to leave him, find some other comedian to be in love with, one who’s never yarfed onto a Muppet.

He’s staring at himself in the mirror of his dressing room. It’s one of those older, cliche vanity tables, with the giant bulbs around the mirror, with little bottles of perfume and makeup scattered all over it from when the makeup team was in here earlier. He can see their son Samuel sitting, patient as always, on the couch. Lord fucking knows where he got his patience from because it certainly wasn’t from either of his parents. 

“Richie, you’re gonna be just fine,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes a little, “You’re always nervous for no reason, it’s annoying.” Richie knows he doesn’t mean it because he’s straightening Richie’s bow tie and fiddling with the suspenders. Eddie always fixes Richie’s clothes when he’s nervous. The day Sam was born, Eddie probably unbuttoned and re-buttoned Richie’s shirt at least ten times. 

“I know you are, but what am I?” Richie cracks out and Eddie rolls his eyes hard, again. 

“Alright, you fuuuuu--dging” Eddie says, exasperated and cutting himself off. 

“Good save, there, palio.” 

“God, do you ever shut up?” He presses a small, reassuring kiss to Richie’s mouth, a hand to his cheek. “Do you want to run your lines again or not?”

Richie huffs out a nervous laugh. “Please, oh my God. I feel like I’m going insane.”

“Oh, is that new? Weird,” Eddie laughs, picking up the script copies from the vanity table and handing Richie a copy. “Alright, do you want to do the scene with Fozzie or Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem?”

Sam perks up at this, looking up from his Switch. He’s been planted there all morning while his dads get ready for their scenes. The costume department just asked that Sam pick out a simple shirt and jeans or slacks from his own wardrobe, so he could be comfortable wearing his own clothes. Sam picked out his favorite shirt, a good vintage find that one of Richie’s fans gifted him at a meet and greet when they announced years ago that they were having a little one: Kermit singing Rainbow Connection. 

“Are we meeting Animal today?” He asks. He’s young, only five, but Richie is a good parent and has made him watch every episode of the Muppet Show, every Muppets movie, and given him a good dose of vintage Sesame Street. Eddie had insisted upon gifting Sam his very own Sam the Eagle toy once, until Sam had cried just from looking at his face. Richie had thought it hilarious. 

_ No son of mine is going to like some capitalist, military bootlicker, Eds. _ He’d said, and he’d been proud of Sam’s tears. 

_ You say that now, _ Eddie had said,  _ but when he gets arrested for trying to hack into the White House mainframe or whatever the fuck, you’re not allowed to say anything in support. And if you do, I’ll say I didn’t know anything and let you get arrested with him. You two can rot in jail without me, thanks. _

Richie laughs, still anxiety stricken. “I sure hope so, bud. We’re, uh, kind of going to sing a song with them.”

Sam’s eyes light up. “What kind of song?”

Sam only has lines in one scene, so there’s no real reason for him to know. For the rest of the episode, he’s just going to be super cute, which is pretty much par the course for Sam. He’s got Eddie’s eyes so it’s easy for him to have his adorable charts skyrocket on demand. 

“Just about, like, being nice, I think?” Richie isn’t actually going to be singing, so he’s not really sure. He is going to be in the background, trying to steal Animal’s drum sticks, making the scene stop and start over and over. Sam seems to take this information as though Richie had said nothing at all, because he goes right back to playing Animal Crossing.

“Let’s go over Fozzie’s scene, I think I’ve got my cues down for the Dr. Teeth scene.”

Eddie nods, and then reaches over to straighten Richie’s bowtie again. 

* * *

It’s not very often that they get an entire weekend to themselves. 

They live in a posh end of NYC, even though Eddie keeps begging to move somewhere with an actual backyard; he wants to garden, and Richie’s nothing if not a pushover, so they’ve been looking to move for a while now. But be that as it may, they’re still living in some way-too-fucking-expensive-for-what-it-is townhouse on the outskirts of the city, and with that comes a way-too-fucking-expensive-for-what-it-is local school for Sam to attend. 

It’s actually so fucking ritzy that there’s an attendant that comes by, walking around the neighborhood, and walks with the kids to the school, trailing behind them like something out of Madeline. The matching uniforms makes it worse, too. 

When Sam first brought his permission slip home, Richie had been annoyed. Not at Sam, no, of course not, but at the fucking price tag attached to it. Eddie had been just shy of livid.

“God, y’know,” Eddie bemoaned to him, even as he wrote the check, “you’d think the amount of fucking tuition we pay would get our son trips somewhere? Like, what fucking nimrod runs that school, that the tuition can’t fucking be allocated properly? I really need to look at their books, this is goddamn insane. I bet that prick of a principal is pocketing all of it; I did  _ not _ get a good vibe when we spoke to him at Sam’s last conference meeting, remember? How he kept wiping his hands off on his pants after he shook hands with anyone? I should talk to one of his teachers, see how much they’re being paid--”

Eddie’s love of unions is only a little part of why Richie loves him. 

But Sam is gone for the weekend, off with his classmates, some teachers, and a few parents who are way too obsessed with seeming like perfect parents so they compensate for the urge by being classroom moms and dads. 

And Richie and Eddie? Well, they just finished having their sex-on-the-kitchen-table routine. It’s not the most comfortable place to have sex, of course, but it is one of their favorites; mostly because it hurts a little bit. It never fails to leave them winded and exhausted; they’re old men, now, and it shows, but it’s always so worth it. 

Eddie’s walking around in an old, ripped Gonzo shirt that Richie’s had since he was in high school. It’s way too small on him now, of course; he’s filled out his middle three times what he was in high school, but it fits Eddie like something straight out of Richie’s wet dreams. Especially because he’s not wearing anything underneath, either. 

They’re relaxing on the couch, the TV on but neither of them really watching, when they get the call. 

And, really, the only acceptable answer to the question  _ Jim Henson Productions is interested in having you guest star on Muppets and Sesame Street, you in?  _ is  _ Hell fucking yes.  _

* * *

They’re doing Eddie’s scene first, the one where they introduce Richie as being the main guest on the Muppet Show. Scooter is running around backstage, trying to find Richie in the dressing rooms, and turning up empty; instead, he finds a room full of chickens, and, of course, Miss Piggy in her dressing gown and bad attitude. She chases him off the stage, bumping into Eddie as he walks onto set. 

He’s got his briefcase in hand and a suit pressed perfectly against his beautiful body. Sam is by Richie’s side just off set, waiting for their cue. Eddie’s pretending to talk on the phone to Richie when he enters. 

“What’s that? Oh, yes, mhm…” Eddie’s just saying nonsense, setting his briefcase down on a table. It’s empty inside, just a prop, but it makes Eddie seem very important; he’s supposed to have at least a little air of mystery around him. Some more chickens are running around, Gonzo swinging off of a chandelier trying to round them up. It’s supposed to be a continuing gag from a previous scene that Richie didn’t see filmed but just knows will be hilarious. 

Kermit enters the scene and spots Eddie. 

“Sir, sir, you can’t be back here!” He says. “You’ll have to watch the show from the audience.”

Eddie’s not paying attention, and absentmindedly goes, “Yes, sweetie. I love you.” Into the phone. 

Kermit stops dramatically and just stares at Eddie.

“Ah, hm, well, I love you too, uh, sweetie, but you can’t be back here.”

Eddie straightens up and looks over at Kermit. He makes a big show of covering up his phone with his hand and saying, “I’m sorry, I was talking to my husband on the phone,” and goes back to the fake conversation with Richie. 

Kermit stares at the camera and makes his signature scrunch face. 

“Bye, I love you. I’d better see you soon, you’re running late! The show’s starting soon.” And he hangs up the phone. 

“Sir, I apologize for the mixup, but you really should be in the audience.” Kermit insists. Scooter comes back onto the scene at the same time. 

“Kermit, I can’t find Mr. Tozier anywhere!” 

“W-what do you mean, Scooter?” Kermit is visibly worried. “The-the show’s starting soon! Oh, I’ll have to get someone to do something, quick-Oh!” Bunsen and Beaker are walking by and Kermit grabs onto them. “Guys, please, our guest is missing, please stall!” 

“What would you like us to do, Kermit?” Bunsen asks, calm as ever, but Kermit just screams “Anything!” and he literally throws them out onto the stage. 

Eddie smiles, bending down to their level. 

“Gentlemen, if I may. I’m Mr. Tozier’s husband, he’s running late. He’ll be here with our son very soon.”

“Can someone get me down from here!” Gonzo yells from the chandelier, hanging by his shirt. Scooter goes to find a ladder while some other nonsense happens with Miss Piggy and Kermit. 

Richie picks up Sam and runs onto the set, pretending to be shocked at the absolute mayhem in front of him. Scooter is swaying on a ladder while Gonzo sways on the chandelier, Miss Piggy is hitting Kermit with her purse, and Beaker is running onto backstage, on fire while Bunsen tries to put him out. 

“What is going on?” Richie says, putting Sam down. 

“Oh, uh, Mr. Tozier!” Kermit says, and Miss Piggy immediately ceases her barrage on her husband. Eddie walks over, dodging the swaying ladder and the spray from the fire extinguisher, and gives him a small kiss in greeting, taking Sam from him. “Thank goodness you’re here. We were just-”

There’s a giant scream, and a crash. The chandelier comes down in a big cloud of dust, and then they have to break to reset the puppets. The director comes over and gives them some pointers; it’s a very long scene, and he asks to get another shot of Richie running into the set so they can have some cuts from the long shot. They run through some secondary and tertiary takes, some close ups, and it’s running...pretty smoothly, actually. Richie is surprised at the lack of puke happening right now.

It helps to see the puppeteers running around beneath him. It’s actually kind of blowing his mind, if he’s being honest? 

“Do you think Kermit the Frog likes doing anal all day?” Eddie whispers into his ear at one point and Richie loses his goddamn  _ mind _ . How is his husband literally funnier than him?

* * *

Sesame Street is, thankfully, filmed in the same studio lot, so it’s just a short golf cart ride away to the set. 

“Hi, Prairie Dawn!” Sam is saying, skipping his very, very best down the street on set. Richie has to stop himself from crying, seeing Sam do this scene. He’d been so, so nervous the past few weeks, practicing day and night, but Richie knows how excited he is. 

Prairie Dawn is sitting on a concrete railway outside of the grocery store. The scene is set up so that Prairie Dawn is waiting for her mother to finish her shopping, and she and Sam meet and become closer friends. 

“Oh, hi! You’re the new kid in my school! Wow, how cool to meet you here.” Prairie Dawn is saying, excitedly. Eddie pats Richie on the back as he walks past him, entering the scene and catching up to Sam and Prairie Dawn. 

“Sam, please don’t run off without me,” He says, reaching down to pat Sam on the head. “Oh, hello. Who’s your friend?” 

God, Richie loves his boys so much. This is going to make him fucking cry and he needs to be on this set in, like, two minutes. 

“Prairie Dawn! She’s in my new school.” Sam cups his little hand around his mouth and shout-whispers, “She’s super good at playing the piano, I heard her in music class.” 

Prairie Dawn covers her face. “Sam! That’s so nice, oh, golly gee,” She says, embarrassed. “I heard you singing in music class, too! You were so good.” She compliments back, and now it’s Sam’s turn to be embarrassed. He puts his hands over his face, just a touch too dramatic, but, hey, he’s only five. 

The door to the grocery store dings open, and out walk Bert and Ernie. Bert has a small grocery bag hanging off of his arm. 

“Hello Bert, hello Ernie.” Eddie says, waving. They greet him back. 

“Oh, how do you know each other?” Prairie Dawn asks, looking between them. 

“Eddie here is our new neighbor! He has been very polite, and so has Sam.” Bert says, nodding as sagely as ever. 

“Yeah!” Ernie tags on. “And I love Sam’s dad, too! Oh, that guy treats me like an egg.” 

Bert turns to him. “Like an egg?”

“Yeah! He just cracks me up!” Ernie cackles while Bert looks close to murder. Richie has to refrain from laughing; it’s a little uncanny, how similar he and Eddie are to those two. 

Prairie Dawn pipes in. “But Eddie’s his dad! Don’t you mean his mom?”

“Nope!” Sam says. “I’ve got two dads, and they’re the best! I love them both so much. I call this one papa, and my other one dad, ‘cos sometimes I get them confused.” Sam then opens up his mouth really wide and gasps, with the full confidence of a child who’s never acted before. “There he is now!” 

Richie walks onto set, walking over and picking Sam up, swinging him around and onto his hip. 

“Hey, little man!” He says, and Sam hugs him tight. Richie’s heart swells and swells, fit to burst with love for his son. “How’s it going? Making friends?” 

“Yes!” Sam points to Prairie Dawn. “This is my new friend from school, Prairie Dawn! She can play the piano.” 

“Wow, the piano, huh? We’ll have to get you two to duet sometime for us!” 

Prairie Dawn looks between them all, and then asks, in her small, young voice, “How can you have two dads? I thought you had to have a mom and a dad.” 

“Well, Prairie Dawn,” Richie starts, “not always. That’s the case a lot of the time, sure, but sometimes a family is two dads, or two moms. Sometimes it’s only one mom, or one dad. Sometimes it’s an aunt, or an uncle, or a cousin, or a sister. There’s a lot of different kinds of families. And all those families have just the same love as any other.” 

“Wow,” she says, nodding. “I didn’t know that! That’s pretty cool.” 

“It’s so cool!” Sam says. “I love my dads, they’re the best.”

“Sometimes people don’t think it’s cool, so it’s nice of you to say so, Prairie Dawn.” Eddie adds in. It’s bizarre, Richie thinks, how toned down Sesame Street has to make things sometimes so kids can understand a concept without being scared. “A lot of people at Sam’s old school didn’t like it, so we had to move here. It’s good to know we have a lot of friends here at Sesame Street, though!” A total lie, but then again, it is scripted. God, Richie would kill to live on Sesame Street, though. 

“That’s so mean!” She says to Eddie. 

“It was,” Richie adds. “But sometimes people get funny ideas in their heads. It’s important to love everyone around us, right, Sam?” And Sam nods up at him, smiling big and wide. 

Prairie Dawn’s mother comes out of the grocery store, then, and sees them all talking together. They exchange a brief hello before her mother says they’ll need to be going, before the ice cream melts. 

“Ice cream!” Prairie Dawn says, excited, then turns a little sheepish. Richie had watched them film a few scenes before this one, where Prairie Dawn learns not to brag. “Oops, sorry.”

“That’s alright,” her mom says, “would you like to share with all your new friends!” 

“Yes, please!” 

And they all exit for ice cream. And, luckily for Richie, they actually get some at the end of the shoot. 

* * *

“Dad, you’re so silly!” Sam exclaims from his spot on the couch. 

Eddie is curled up next to Richie, but Sam had insisted he was too old for sitting on his parents lap, so he’s over on the farthest side from them, his dinner plate on his lap and so fucking close to tipping over. Richie leans over and scoots it back, accidentally elbowing Eddie. 

“Listen up dipshhhh--” Richie laughs at Eddie, but then Eddie elbows him hard in retaliation. 

“That was worse than what I did to you!” 

“Guys, shush! I’m trying to watch.” Sam interrupts and, okay, fair. It’s not every day one gets to watch the premiere of their very own Muppet Show special. 

It’s definitely weird, watching oneself on the screen. He remembers filming, of course, and doing these actions, but knowing the part where he yells at Animal for the drumstick and the part where he actually takes the drumstick were filmed half an hour apart is bizarre. He’s got an entirely new respect for film editing he’d never had before. 

A few minutes prior, Scooter had told Richie that Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem would be performing a song and, “oh, Richie, you play the drums, right?” Richie in real life most certainly doesn’t, but Muppets Richie is more than game to play. Only when he gets on the stage, oh, right, Animal is there. Cue the war for the drumsticks. 

Dr. Teeth and the rest of the mayhem start and stop the song multiple times, waiting for Richie and Animal to stop squabbling. Statler and Waldorf -- which were filmed separately -- heckle them from the stage, and when Waldorf says “I think he’s supposed to be some store brand Bill Hader,” Eddie loses his mind. 

Eventually, onstage Animal and Richie each have a drumstick and are trying to play at the same time, and the band plays loudly over them. The scene ends when Animal goes berserk and punches a hole in the bass drum and shoves Richie into it. 

The crowd claps and the curtain closes.

Sam is laughing so much, and it delights Richie to his core. 

* * *

“Your bow tie is crooked,” Eddie says, pointing at the TV. 

Richie sighs. “It’s not like I can go back and fix it now!” 

On screen, Fozzie and Richie are in identical outfits. Fozzie is asking him if he’s sure he remembers his lines. Richie assures him he does, and they walk out onto the stage to applause and some jaunty piano tune.

“Alright, now, Richie, knock knock!” 

“Who’s there?”

“Orange!” 

“Orange you glad you see me!” Richie’s smiling bright on the screen. Makeup had added water to his face before the scene, so it looked like he was sweating his ass off with nerves. 

Fozzie does a double take, then pulls Richie down to whisper in his ear, “No, no, I tell the punchline!” 

Richie nods, gives an “Oh, right,” and they continue on with the set. 

“Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?”

Richie gulps, water pouring out of his suit in a little drip, and says “To get lemonade?”

“No, no, wrong joke!” 

Statler and Waldorf both yell, “They’re all wrong, what does it matter?” and cackle to themselves. 

Fozzie stumbles and tries to recover. “Okay, well, what about this one. What is red and shaped like a bucket?” 

“Your mom.” Richie says, teeth clattering, hands shaking. His suit pants are completely wet at this point, and his hair is soaked. The Richie watching the program is shaking with laughter, along with his husband and son. 

“You look so filthy,” Eddie says, eyes scrunched up dearly. “Like you took a dip into some disgusting public pool before getting on stage.” 

“Can we go to the pool tomorrow?” Sam asks. 

“Of course we can.” Eddie says, giving him a small pat on the head. “It’ll be really warm tomorrow. Good day for it.”

Richie on screen is literally pouring buckets of sweat, and Scooter is behind them with a mop, desperately trying to keep the stage clean. 

“What do you call a door when it’s not a door?”

“I’m not sure, but that flag is a big plus!”

“No, that’s for the Switzerland joke! Richie, please--” 

And on the skit goes, until they finally reach “What do you call a man with no wife that isn’t lonely?” And Richie yells out “Gay and in love!” and Eddie runs out onto the stage with a towel and hurries him off to thunderous applause. 

* * *

Kermit’s face scrunches up a little. “So, uh, Mr. Tozier,” he begins, and okay, Richie, follow the script. 

“Oh, Mr. The Frog, please, call me Richie.”

Kermit laughs a little and then insists, “Well, then call me Kermit. But um, Richie, well, I was wondering--why do you love comedy so much?”

Richie pretends to hem and haw. This isn’t an actual interview -- he had helped come up with this portion of the script, of course, because it’s supposed to  _ feel _ like an interview, but that’s definitely hard to accomplish when the interviewer is literally a puppet. 

“Well, Kermit...I suppose it’s because I love making people laugh. It makes me feel good, knowing I’ve made someone else happy that day.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Gonzo pretend to sneak on by, but part of this scene is that neither he nor Kermit notice Gonzo the entire time. There’s a running gag involving Sam backstage, because Richie is doing skits and Eddie had to take a phone call and told Gonzo to keep an eye on him, only Sam wanders off and Gonzo has to recollect him somehow. 

“And you do that through comedy?”

“I do! At least, I certainly like to think I do. My husband Eddie tells me I’m not funny, but he still laughs at all of my jokes, so I think I’m doing just fine.” 

Richie can hear Sam laughing nearby, his little legs running around. There’s a small clatter as they presumably run into something, Gonzo failing to capture him. 

“How long have you and Eddie been together?”

“Oh, a long time. I tell him we’ve been together since we were kids, but he only started counting since our first date. I tell all of our friends we’ve been together 30 years but he only tells them 10 so nobody knows.”

“Oh, since you were kids? That’s sweet!” Kermit says. “That’s a long time to be with someone…”

“Well you should know, Kermit! You and Miss Piggy have been together since Eddie and I were kids!” Richie then leans down and whispers. “Hey, speaking of...do you have any tips? Eddie and I are taking a trip together, soon, with Sam. I want to surprise him with something.” 

Kermit nods. “Well, surprises can go good or bad. I think probably a good dinner.”

“Oh yeah?” Richie asks. “And...what kind of food should we have, do you think? Italian’s a bit overrated.”

“Oh, I always love a bit of split fly soup.”

Richie leans back and pretends to want to throw up, for a moment. “Ah, right. Maybe we’ll just stick with some steaks.”

“Well, Richie, since you are a comedian….any jokes to leave us off with for the night?” 

Richie pretends to think, and then, “You know, I told him this one the other day, I think you’ll like it.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, you ready? It’s a doozy!”

“Ah, sure, yes!”

“Okay, so...what do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?”

Kermit thinks a moment, a small, pondering scrunch. 

“Well, I, ah, I don’t know. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?”

Richie just remains silent, waggling his eyebrows. It takes a moment for Kermit to clue in, but when he does, he looks down, shakes his head, and scrunches.

“Your husband Eddie’s right, you’re really bad at jokes.”

Richie leans back, laughing, pretending he’s wounded. “Kermit, please!” He says. “I’m your guest.” 

Statler’s voice actor calls from off stage, “You’re not funny!” and then there’s a tomato being thrown on stage; it hits him square in the chest. Richie thought it wasn’t supposed to actually hit him and he looks to see Eddie’s the one with the tomatoes in hand, and Eddie throws another, catching him in the face, looking so fucking happy and in love. 

This is, hands down, the best day of Richie’s life. Right after Sam’s birthday, of course. And after his and Eddie’s wedding day. And after when Eddie finally agreed to move in with him. And after Eddie proposed to him. And after they had sex the first time, or second, or fiftieth time. And after the day he finally asked Eddie out. And--well. You get the picture.

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1R8Rx2db9c is what I imagine playing during the Fozzie scene, for peak chaos


End file.
